We met an acquaintance when we’d gone for a movie last weekend. During the interval, he bought two large colas – one for him and his wife, and one for us. For reasons I considered valid (only one of which was that I considered the thing addictive and didn’t want to tempt myself at the beginning of the summer) I had to say no – a thanks but.. polite no at first to a curt no finally. When the movie ended, he walked out, one cola stilled clutched, and a sheepish smile thrown at us. I felt very uncomfortable, more so because I didn’t really know him and didn’t explain to him why i said no. I had, with my silence, rebuffed, what was a nice gesture from him.
I hurried back to catch ‘Boston Legal’, and it was as though the cosmos wanted to rub it in. One of the cases under trial in the episode was that of a sorority expelling a member because she was socially awkward. The interesting part was that lawyers on both sides were essentially very nice people…. with personality disorders. Jerry, who appears on behalf of the sorority president has Asperger syndrome, and uses another personality to overcome his awkwardness and Clarence, who appears for the defendant, has multiple personalities, each of which is a defense against more aggressive people. Though I supported the member – Marcie Cooper, who I felt was wronged, I found Jerry’s closing extremely touching
College is also about preparing students for the outside world. Last time I checked, it’s pretty tough out there. There’s the old adage, “Nice guys finish last.” There’s some truth to that. I happen to know opposing counsel is a fundamentally kind man. Sensitive. He chose to exploit my Asperger’s syndrome to win this case.
My very best friend, a lawyer I had a case against not too long ago, he, too, exploited my Asperger’s. He’s a very good man, who opted for cruelty as a strategy.
If Marcie Cooper comes out of this experience thinking that people can be cruel—even the kind, sensitive
ones—if she’s learned that she will be judged not simply on merit, or the content of her character, but on how she looks and socializes with others, she’s gotten an education, one that will serve her in life. This is a free society. People get to choose their friends, clubs get to choose their members. Sometimes it’s very ugly and unfair. That’s . . . life.
And I could imagine how the kind sensitive ones could be cruel. Perhaps its the result of a majority of humanity taking advantage of their kindness and sensitivity, or being insensitive to it, or trampling their kind acts and emotions in the races they run, or laughing at what would be deemed their idiocy.
And I wondered- in educating children for life, will parents have enough time and patience for teaching their children the importance of being humane, while still instilling in them the smartness that would enable them to know when someone takes advantage of them? Or will they choose the easy way out and teach them to be rude, to unfairly demand, to snatch by might irrespective of right? And create a race of inhuman beings who wouldn’t spare a thought for those who are perhaps not as strong as them – physically, emotionally or in terms of social skills.
I’m no angel, but i try to prevent my own unkindness. I usually ask myself “how would I feel in the other person’s shoes”, but there are some situations when for some reason, I cannot adhere to my own rule. I feel very guilty on such occasions, because I feel that through that act I might have started a chain. Someday soon, I hope to make it up to that acquaintance, for I am sorry. I truly am.
until next time, transactions in kind
..and on the blog today “One of an unkind 😐 ” https://manuscrypts.com/?p=1601
Some things life teaches you. Over and over again, till you get it right.
Maybe the survival skills will be different in the next 50 years? One can ponder and pontificate, but what is retained is what works, no matter the parameter that once was.
Ok, ok, I’ve mumbled enough.
Hope you make it up to your friend.
Sometimes I feel that even though parents teach things like ‘behave normally with everybody you meet’ and ‘don’t discriminate people based on gender, ethnicity, physical attributes, religion, etc’, kids nowadays pretty much make these judgements for themselves, correct or otherwise.
In my opinion, these are things that most people decide for themselves rather than being taught by parents, teachers or friends. Yes, there is a compulsive element to somebody reinforcing this message to you time and again, but then again, such compulsions can do only so much. At the end of the day, the inherent assumption is that each individual is a bundle of his earlier experiences, his thoughts and opinions on things, and therefore will end up reacting to different people and things in different ways.
Wow, I just confused myself by the time I completed this particular comment.
Can such things be taught? Really? Life and time are the best teachers. Also, children learn from parents so all they need to do is behave in the right manner and the kids might pick it up. When he (sorry for being a sexist) is old enough he will think about the way his parents behave to a scenario and come to a judgment accordingly. It’s not just the parents it’s anyone who the child really adores.. it could a be a family friend, neighbour, an uncle or an aunt anyone!
And hey the cola incident.. I don’t think its a big deal.. I understand you feeling uncomfortable abt it.. anyone would have. You can still explain to him the next time you meet 🙂
Sometimes I think we as Indians or atleast our generation of Indians, we are raised in a manner which teaches us NOT to accept stuff from people unless it is absolutely essential. Personally I do that do…
p.s: I dont see any comment on my line of thoughts, so perhaps I didnt get the post .. yet..
That was a nice read, Manu. Let me follow my rule of when there’s a lot that you have to say, just let go. So I’ll just let go.
On another note, I clearly remember this episode of BL. Just love Shore’s and Crane’s lines.
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I cannot help but smile. Why, I do not know. 🙂
hmm… a very reflective post…those (and similar) are the thoughts that occupy most space in my ‘parental’ reflections. I think i agree with balu in essence. i had a set of parents who gave much importance to tehzeeb and never had the heart to say no to anyone…i have a tough time myself with that. when assert myself i dread letting them down (or their ‘legacy’ :)and being ‘badtameez’. its a tough balancing act. and while i’m busy with my balancing act, i’ve no idea what my daughter is learning!! 🙂
A very intorspective read..being part of a society that teaches us,right from the time we are kids,that saying no(with varying degrees of agressive intent),is impolite and inhumane is certain situations,which ought to be accompanied by a feeling of guilt or would otherwise imply a sadist attitude..this is probably the loophole which people take advantage of..further,i’m of the opinion tht learnin the art of sayin no,is left upto the individual to fathom n accept…tc
austere: yes, they might well be.. and it wasn’t a friend, only an acquaintance.. friends are way easier 🙂
jairam: kids do make up their mind from their experiences and what they see around them..i absolutely agree with you on the ‘bundle’ part, and that’s precisely my point – parents, wittingly or unwittingly provide quite a lot of experiences to kids, and that influences their behaviour…
Balu: yes, we pick up experiences and that determines our behaviour.. when i said ‘teach’, its more to do with the experiences that parents give their children.. for example, if a kid watched his parent being rude to those ‘below’ him in a societal set up (waiters, maids etc), he might grow up thinking thats the norm, and may never be objective enough to give it a second thought… i’ve seen that happen in at least a couple of cases..
Maan: i can identify with that teaching 🙂
PS. of course you’ve got the post.. since its not exactly a ‘specific’ post, your takeout might vary, but so what? 🙂
gauri: love the lines, and Shore’s character 🙂
TCWB: i can’t either 😐
ghazala: exactly what I replied to Balu… you’re objective enough to figure out that ‘yes’ doesnt work all the time, that doesnt happen always, and even if it does, its sometimes difficult to change what you’ve picked up for years..
animesh: agree to that 🙂