I read Tara Isabella Burton’s Strange Rites in 2023 – a book about the decline of religion and what’s replacing it. Since then, I have been connecting a few dots. This is the pattern I see.
For most of human history, we lived in communities of circumstance. We were born into a home, a town, a religion, a trade. We didn’t have much of a choice, we just inherited it. And while it had its flaws, many people made it work.
As civilisation and technology progressed, we added communities of choice. Friends, interests, professions, subcultures, belief systems etc. As access expanded, our options multiplied. Cut to today, for a lot of us, this is our default.
Through all this, I think there has also been an unbundling of culture, because the ‘bundle’ has systematically become modular – home, religion, neighbourhood, even gender and belief systems. All of these can be mixed and matched, because friction has been reduced.
But there is a price. What we have gained in fluidity, I think we have lost in rootedness. When you can always find “your people”, why sit with someone who isn’t? We have also lost what we could call constructive negativity – boredom, friction, discomfort. The stuff that teaches us how to be with others – and with ourselves.
I think this matters because humans are creatures of narrative. Societies used rituals to move us through life – rites of passage, shared boredom, public spaces, awkward silences. They weren’t efficient or personalised, but they shaped us.
As we became more individualistic, we started asking: What’s in it for me? If there’s no transactional benefit, why bother? The result is that where we once had community without constant communication, we now have constant communication without much community.
An increasing part of humanity now dines alone, travels alone, lives alone, and operates from ‘hot seats’ in offices. I wonder if it’s a coincidence that we also have a loneliness pandemic. But hey, the cure is an app/bot away. Distraction is easier than direction, after all.
As Erich Fromm wrote decades ago, “The cultural and political crisis of our day is not due to the fact that there is too much individualism, but that what we believe to be individualism has become an empty shell.”
What’s worse, the ironic by-product of all this hyper-individualism is rigid identities. Because when everything is a choice, you alone are responsible for the identity bundle you have built. Questions on anything from religion to parenting to work challenges your judgment. Your ego/internal narrative can’t allow flexibility for the sake of sanity. Hence the violent reactions (individuals) and polarisation (groups) to any questions about choices.
The point isn’t about whether choice is good or bad. It’s whether a life optimised entirely for choice can still carry meaning, patience, and shared reality. We made an enemy of friction and in eliminating it without mercy, also took away what was holding us together.
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