Tag: Ego

  • Besting myself

    One of my only birthday rituals has been getting a call in the morning from an aunt and uncle, though they have been more friends than uncle/aunt. This year there was no call in the morning. I wondered what happened. I realised that our last conversation ended with me reprimanding them for calling me in the middle of a work day morning! The no-call bothered me and I thought to myself that at some point in their life, people should let go of their egos and silly sulks. The note to self was to be more conscious of the ego’s manifestations.

    At work, a colleague wrote, asking for some work to be done at the very last minute. The team was already stretched, and I wrote back curtly, reminding him that we had met for this a few weeks ago, and discussed the deliverables in advance, precisely because I wanted to avoid this! I had a feeling he would escalate this.

    My aunt called in the evening. I couldn’t pick up since I was on a call. She left a voice message. She had woken up with a migraine, and had been in bed all day. We spoke later in the evening, and bantered as usual.

    The colleague wrote back, profusely thanking us for all the help we had given him thus far. He understood that this would be tough, and he was fine with whatever we could manage, even if it was nothing.

    In the many podcasts and books I have read/heard (Jack Kornfield on the TKP podcast being the latest), the lesson is usually about the present moment. Every moment, we have a choice. To be the best version of ourselves, or not. I have had a gazillion misses, and a handful of hits. What I have learned from the latter is that there is an afterglow when we are able to be the best version. It is possible to do that without an expectation in return. In fact, it is quite selfish – such is the feeling.

    In addition to pausing ‘in the moment’, there are two tricks I read/heard to repeat this. The first (from Unwinding Anxiety) is savour the moment and update the brain on how good the feeling is. Because the brain is most likely trained on a notion of loss we might suffer if we say, let go of the ego or interest. Updating it repeatedly redirects it to a new habit formation. The second (from an episode in The Hidden Brain podcast) is also related to habit-changing. Though it was discussed in the context of more standard habits, I realised it could be tooled for this purpose as well. Buy a band or a ring, and make a covenant with yourself – of sticking to the habit you want to create. Each time you fail, switch the band/ring to the other hand.

    Besting myself, as the birthdays pile on, is possible, but it does take effort. However, I am quite sure now that it’s also a journey full of joys. Time to march with the band!

  • Traveling – in & out

    I borrowed the title of the post from a book I really loved – for exploring what travel could mean. Inward or outward, both of which I have experienced quite a bit this year.

    One step back. For the last few years, we have been taking two international vacations a year. That just fits our annual travel budget, and the leave calendar at work. But who doesn’t like to take vacays more frequently? So this year, we stretched to fit an additional vacation within India – to Mussoorie. This also came from a feeling that we were being unintentionally snooty by ignoring our own backyard these days. 🙂 (more…)

  • A plan to be

    One of my first posts this year was Certain, simple frames, in which I had written about my lapse-of-reason episodes, and my methods of overcoming them. I had also mentioned in the post the insight I got about myself – the lapses of reason were triggered by my fear of it upsetting the plan. The Plan is financial freedom for D and me – we shouldn’t have to work for the sake of earning for current or future needs and wants.

    In this context,  I found a quote by Ramit Sethi that succinctly conveyed a perspective that I have touched upon in at least a couple of my posts – Prisons of Happiness (conscious choices of freedom and understanding the trade offs) and Please Find Detached (on delaying stimuli and minimising lifestyle creep) – a rather distinct definition of frugality.

    quote-frugality-quite-simply-is-about-choosing-the-things-you-love-enough-to-spend-extravagantly-ramit-sethi-64-20-74

    I have been doing this for a while, but the catch, as I have experienced, is in “choosing the things you love enough”, and it exists because of the intent behind that ‘love’. The usage of the word “love” is important. In my view, it is used to distinguish the things that one really wants.

    But it is difficult to be objective about one really wants. Paradoxically, at different points, the intent could be a desire to belong, or a desire to stand out. A fundamental human need to connect and share that drives the first. A basic ego stokes the second. A desired destination here could be a kind of “reflective equilibrium”. Easier said than done!

    The ego first derives from societal benchmarks, the projected self, and then self image. Getting beyond the last one is extremely tough. And if one does get close, there is an immediate realisation that there are no markers, no play books, no goals. There is no unseeing this either. “And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally. ”All very difficult to get used to, especially when the mind continues to ask, “Is it going to be ok?”

    To quote Bill Bonner, “There’s the standard of living, which can be measured in dollars, and there’s the quality of your life, which can’t be measured at all.” The Plan is built on financials, and is therefore aimed at tackling the first part. The second is indeed an intangible, and speaks probably of a contentment that comes from being comfortable with one’s decisions. That’s why the plan is also an attempt to iron out the terms of one’s interaction with the world, and just be. The hope then, is that belonging will take care of itself because one is actively pursuing the wants that really matter, without money having a real say in it. The desire to stand out? Well, it will be forced to sit out!

  • A devious self

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    These days when I think of the self, I am regularly reminded of this. I use ‘ego’ interchangeably with ‘self’. Ego as in egotism, not the Freud definition. The inflated view of the self that most of us refer to when we say ‘ego’. While the scientific-philosophical perspective is something I am very interested in, it is more the day-to-day reveals that are more frequent.  (more…)

  • Cult of impersonality

    Koramangala rarely disappoints. This time, it was the Uber ride, and the thoughts it sparked. From Whitefield to Koramangala, I repeatedly watched the driver refusing to learn from his mistakes. e.g. sticking to the right lane and getting stuck behind cars waiting to take a U turn, when we had to go straight. Advice was futile. This (the behaviour, not the driving!) took me in a couple of directions.

    First, our species’ (generalising, of course) refusal to rethink belief systems even when new data presents other possibilities. In the last few weeks, I have seen two levels of this. One is at a (public) personality level – from Modi to Tata. While I have little reason to doubt the Prime Minister’s intent in the entire demonetisation exercise, I see the absolute lack of empathy (no, crying and listing one’s sacrifices doesn’t count) and the failure to course correct as arrogant and cruel. When multiple sources indicate that Ratan Tata’s governance wasn’t really spotless, shouldn’t he be attempting a better route than allowing the spat to be drawn into something as silly as Twitter hashtag wars, especially when the claim is that the organisation’s legacy (and not his own) is paramount for him. In both cases, ego could be the barrier. (more…)