• Bollywood Dictionary for Dummies

    actor: may land up in the couch for different reasons.
    actress: the driving force on the couch .
    blockbuster: a wonderful actress usually guarantees it .
    behind the scenes: careful, thats where the news agency guys are..
    climax: go on, pretend you dont know what that is .
    call sheet:given to the actress/filmmaker to know when they are supposed to arrive and where .
    camera: the filmmaker should always make sure there isnt one…
    anti climax: when theres a news agency involved in what would have been a climax..
    cartoon: thats what the filmmaker becomes if he gets caught .
    casting: what they do after the couch .
    casting couch: the couch used for casting .
    chemistry: what the actress is supposed to exhibit on the couch .
    costume: usually minimal .
    credits: should be given for a good performance .
    critic: they dont approve of the casting couch .
    cross over: change in position on the couch .
    cues: a good actress should always understand them .
    debut: the actress’ first couch experience .
    dialogue: the actress’ should be enticing, the filmmaker doesnt have any..
    director’s cut: when the filmmaker is a director.
    documentary: boring activity on the couch .
    double take: please see take .
    extras: only if the filmmaker insists. with good performances, they might be a threat to the actress.
    filmmaker: the guy to please on the couch, most often producer, but could also be director. actor, and yes, even villain .
    flashback: a feeling of deja vu for the filmmaker .
    flop:a non performer, but the actress to be blamed, never the filmmaker .
    frame: thats what the filmmaker claims when he gets caught .
    industry: a collection of filmmakers .
    in-the-can: the trip to the loo after the couch activity .
    lip sync: ideally the actress shouldnt, but refer take .
    make up: kiss before doing it .
    method acting: when the actress has done it before .
    miscast: the filmmaker’s excuse for a flop .
    overacting: usually happens when the actress is faking .
    plot: what the actress/news agency does to get the filmmaker on the couch .
    preview: foreplay before the couch. usually only for big fimmakers .
    release: refer climax .
    remake: a repeat performance, usually happens due to lack of subject/actress .
    screenplay: the activity on the couch .
    script: a nitty gritty version of the plot .
    slow motion: some filmmakers love doing it that way .
    story: every actress has one .
    take: you have to,if the filmmaker insists .
    word of mouth publicity: what a blockbuster gets .
    zoom: only deals with page 3 now, but would be interested in couch activities too..

    until next time, Koffee on the Kouch??

  • Where credit is due….

    Today he would know whether he would get one. the credit card company’s executive had just called and asked for an appointment… he had been wanting one ever since he had seen sachin showing off his in the ad, while encouraging others to get it… but he couldn’t apply for it then, being busy with his career…and later, just when he thought he would apply for one, he had gotten busy again, with things ranging from work and peer pressure to riots….
    not that he needed it desperately, for his influence was huge, but it was helpful when you were going abroad, and was much better than carrying cash… he had applied for the latest card in the market, the one named after the famous island in new york.. it was only appropriate since he would be going there shortly..
    he had known that all the applications were just a formality, for once they got to know who he was, they would only be too happy to give him a card…just then, the executive came, but contrary to his expectations they had rejected his application.. he was irate and screamed at the executive , “do you know who i am?”
    ” yes sir, but theres nothing we can do here. since it was top priority we had sent it to our hq in the US. we had hoped to get you some special benefits, but they have rejected it. i am yet to get the details”, the executive mumbled.
    he wondered at the audacity of the company… how could they not give the visa power to the chief minister of a state whose diaspora had significant influence among not only the Indians, but the general populace in the US? where would the US be without us, he thought..
    he controlled himself with an effort. he would get a card from the other company, the one that said ‘there are some things money can buy, for everything else, there’s……..” for his situation, it was only apt…but he wouldn’t stop at that.. he decided he would go the US, to the credit card company’s hq and give them a piece of his mind…. the bank, he would deal with, later!!
    he called his PA.
    “call the US embassy. ask them the status of the gujarat chief minster’s visa application”
    until next time, who has the power?

  • The Birthday

    She knew she had very little time.. his birthday was only a few days away… his birthdays had never been celebrated grandly.. he had never asked for it, and no one had ever felt the need… considering that the only thing he spent money on were books and cassettes,he was never difficult to please if his birthday presents were any of the above… except for the occasional games or toys, much like his life, the presents he got were also routine, not that he was complaining… he was, well, like that…
    but this time, she wanted it to be different, it was his 15th birthday, the one after his tenth standard board exams had got over, the first big hurdle in life… and she wanted him to celebrate it in a slightly better fashion than they usually did… and the first and perhaps only difficult task was convincing him.. because, although she was very strict about everything he did, lately she had understood he was growing up, and increasingly left his things to his judgement.. well, she was his mother, and knew what was best for him..
    besides, she knew things he didnt..convincing him was difficult, for he was a shy child, with a handful of close friends, and ran away from attention of any kind, except for the ones which his extra curricular activities demanded.. for she was still very strict about that… and so he was trained in classical music, played in the cricket team,and was a member of the school quiz and debating teams… all of which he liked in a very matter-of-fact way…
    all said, he was a very reluctant social animal…but she wouldn’t have any of that.. with 2 days left, she forced him to accept the fact that he would have to invite at least 10 of his friends to celebrate his birthday.. the only thing which he could decide was the place…and so it was, that for the very first time he could remember, he was doing something more complicated than distributing sweets for his birthday..
    but after all was said and done, he was happy, and grudgingly thanked her… and she in turn, thanked her god, for she had survived the day…but he doesnt like celebrating birthdays, because she died 9 days later..
    until next time, some things arent forever…

  • Casting Grouch

    She alighted at the station and had her first good look at Mumbai.. the place where her silverscreen dreams would take shape.Although hers was a stereotypical story of a small town girl dreaming of making it big in Bollywood, she was sure that hers would be a success story, because she was sure of her talents…. and assets.. and she had a definite plan…
    she had taken up all the courses in fashion, modelling and acting that her small town could offer… and her small town already boasted of a precedent in making it big in bollywood.. but she was sure she wanted to make it on her own.. and not take her predecessor’s help.. but her predecessor had given her one crucial info that was essential to her plan- the casting couch, its existence and the way it worked, and the ‘contact’ persons… she had her parents’ approval on her bollywood dreams, but even to them, she had not revealed her plan…
    She called a taxi, and asked the driver to take her to the 5 star hotel where she had booked a room….. not that she had the money to spare, but this was crucial to the plan… she checked into the room, and thought about reading the paper, since it was almost 3 days since she had read them… always important to keep oneself updated about bollywood.. but she decided to do that after she kicked off her plan….
    she started calling up the contact persons, and got her first shock, for the responses ranged from ‘do you think i am dumb?’ to ‘which channel are you calling from ‘ to plain abuse… she wondered what was going on and decided to take a shower before proceeding…
    to jail!! the cops barged into the room, minutes after her phone calls, and arrested her for trying to trap people.. they talked something about an established villain having been ‘exposed’ a couple of days back on a news channel…. she said she didnt know a thing about it… and was only a wannabe actress.. she was so afraid she even told them about her plan- to use the casting couch- where she wouldnt struggle (and therefore could bypass the ‘struggling actress’ phase)..
    but they werent convinced…. she reckoned she knew who her enemies were – a nexus of actresses who didnt want competition and news channels who wanted TRPs….. she also realised that what she needed now was shakti, tan ki nahi, par man ki….
    until next time, news channels cant help broadcasting and filmmakers cant help casting…

  • Blessed??

    Ajay Devgan (in a borrowed raincoat 🙂 ) is the poster boy for this post. i have been wanting to write this ever since i saw the movie, and a few days back, when i saw another character like him, i had to write, because i know a lot of guys like these, and i sympathise with them..
    – the driver who looks on in anguish as a guy zooms past him, riding on the wrong side, because he is too nice/meek not to do it.
    -the guy who stutters at the waiter that the people who came after him have gotten a table as well as their food, and he is still waiting.
    -the guy who slogs all day at work and watches a colleague walking away with the accolades because he aggressively presented himself.
    -the woman who suffers verbal/physical abuse from her husband.
    -the kid who is forever bullied by friends/cousins…………………

    there is a feeling that aggression has to be developed if you are to succeed/ get out of the sad predicament/s you are in. but what if you are made that way, when you cannot be forcible enough, when you are too nice to take offense? are you going to be defenceless, are you going to suffer forever, is it only you who can save yourself? but if you are made that way, can you save yourself? or will you forever have to slink away to the bathroom to sit and cry in isolation? because you are too meek to even cry aloud.
    and sometimes it is not just about being meek…it is because you have a principle that what goes around will come around, and therefore cannot bring yourself to shout/ proclaim/abuse…..
    does this world cater only to people who are willing to fight? do you have to snatch something thats yours by right? do you have to shove your way forward all the time? was life ever meant to be such a big fight??
    to correct myself, i dont sympathise, i empathise, because quite a few times i see the character when i look in the mirror.
    until next time, ” Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth”.