In Marshmellowing, I wrote about how a life spent optimising for predictability (or at least optionality) is probably what is keeping me from the life I want to live. And the person I want to be.
At a proximal level, I understand why I am the way I am. The marshmallow mind (delayed gratification) is not only a muscle that automatically plans for the future, but is also the custodian of a self image it created. But I am still figuring out why it came to be that way. What is that self image in this context? And how did it get created?
A bunch of my reading, listening, and reflecting in the last couple of years has been to understand why I am the way I am – at macro and individual levels. At the macro level, I have been able to synthesise a bit, this post is an attempt to track the evolution of my self image.
In one of my favourite podcasts – Dr. Gabor Maté on the Tim Ferriss Show, the former mentions how outside of physical needs, the two other critical needs humans have is attachment and authenticity. We need attachment because without the care of parents or vice versa we would die. Back in the savannah, we had to go by gut feel because there was no social learning mechanism. We therefore needed authenticity – connection to the self. He then shares a fantastic insight on how our authenticity gets suppressed right from childhood, with a great example.
When I look back, I can see at least four elements that make up my current self. As a marketer, I have to alliterate. So here goes.
Responsibility
I don’t remember that far back, but my 10 year old self has a version of what Dr. Maté was referring to. Some of my earliest memories are about studying hard. If I did that, mom wouldn’t be angry and I would be spared a beating. She was driven by the fact that she didn’t have much time (she was diagnosed with leukaemia around the time I turned 10). At school too, being a good student meant the admiration of peers and the affection of teachers. I gradually built a self image of a responsible person. From an authenticity perspective, I was probably more creatively inclined, and terribly shy. But between my academics, music and things like quizzing, I was thrust into some level of limelight at my first school.
Rebellion
Somewhere in my teens, and it is no coincidence that it was around the time of mom’s passing, I developed quite a sense of humour. Maybe it began as a coping mechanism, but soon after, its underlying theme was a rebellion against any perceived injustice and authority. I think that is my authentic self, and it drew people to me. It does now too. Everyone likes someone who takes a stance and in the process, make them laugh. But back then, it wasn’t enough to dislodge the lesson that being responsible was what helped attachment. I need to be grateful that my authentic creative self found outlets and kept itself alive.
Relationships
While I was in engineering college, my grandmother, who was probably the most influential person in my life and someone I deeply loved, left our home to live with my uncle. A few years later, after engineering, I ended up having to figure out my own higher education because there was no one who gave me perspective. Maybe I could have asked. But these experiences led me to a mindset that relationships as a means to attachment was a dead-end. This got accentuated when D and I arranged our own marriage. When I look back, my dad and D’s parents were gracious in their acceptance. But a mindset had been created. Attachment would come with success, and that would come from taking responsibility of my own life. It is ironic that the responsibleness that was originally meant for attachment then moved me away from people.
Relevance
Relevance as a means to advance the career, and make some money. I am thankful that another facet of my authentic self – curiosity (reading, figuring out)- played its part, though not by active design. Between this, my sense of responsibility (at work), and the sense of humour that is sometimes weaponised as sarcasm, I got myself a sufficiently differentiated personality to reasonably succeed in my career. Relevance continues to be a way of making sure I am employed in some form and my FU Money target is met sooner than later.
And that sums me up, or at least the self image. Now, we are a year or two from our FU Money, and I can still crack a joke. What is the problem?
There are three, actually. My marshmallow mind is the result of ‘responsibility’ winning. It comes with costs. The marshmallow mind continues to plan the future and make predictions. In this other phenomenally good podcast on Hidden Brain, Lisa Feldman Barrett talks about how the brain can get trapped in its own predictions. When the predictions don’t work out, the result is stress.
As she elaborates, it operates at a different level too. The brain is an energy budgeting machine optimised for survival and reproduction. Apparently, the suppression of authentic emotions can potentially result in chronic stress, contributing to a bankrupt body budget. Over time, this could predispose individuals to depression, as the brain repeatedly predicts and conserves energy to cope with unresolved internal conflicts. Feldman Barrett describes depression as a state where the brain, faced with chronic energy deficits, prioritises conserving resources. This manifests as fatigue, lack of motivation, and inability to update predictions or engage with the environment. Exactly what I want to avoid.
And finally, it doesn’t help when predictability becomes the objective in all situations across life. It perpetuates a stress response even in non-threatening situations. Relationships are frowned upon by my predictive mind because humans increase complexity and reduce the accuracy of predictions. The loss of relationships is also a suppression of authenticity, because relationships are the biggest component of who I want to be.
And that’s why all my efforts now are to regulate my marshmallow mind!