(no, not the product!)
Towards the end of Life Menus, I had mentioned how I have quite a ‘scarcity mindset’ when it comes to money and time. I don’t think there will be enough, and many of my thoughts and actions are influenced by this. As explained very well in Scarcity, (highly recommended book, and thanks @shefaly) this is related to tunnelling, and my ‘inability’ at a certain point in time to see the larger picture and the broader consequences of my immediate actions.
One of the ways I have tried to beat it (and the book also has a term for it) is to create what’s called slack. [Remember the space between stimulus and response quote I keep using?] The reason I’m very interested in slack is because it can not just help me maintain equilibrium within myself, but also enable some sort of control in my relationship with others.
In the first case (self), I have realised that (obviously) I am happier when I have some control over a situation. By building slack into my routines, finances etc, I find a better chance of getting this control. The excellent (and I’d say non intuitive) bonus is that I can afford to be more agile/spontaneous. When I’m more generous with myself, I am usually more generous with others. I am more conscious that irritation is a privilege.
The other part (relationship with others) is not so simple though. Simply because people aren’t algorithms. People exhibit uncharacteristic and/or unpredictable behaviours all the time, because they are dealing with their own set of issues. So how does one build slack for that? Depending on the context and the nature of the relationship, I try various things. Lower expectations, for instance. But I have noticed at least a couple of problems with this – one, I tend to over analyse on what I should expect, and two, the interactions tend to get tempered and the scope for happiness from the relationship is reduced. Another path is to be a bit more generous. The biggest problem I have faced with this is not knowing who deserves this, and who might be taking advantage. Over analysis again, and unfortunately it is easy to feel hurt, irrespective of others’ actual intentions. But in ‘Love as generosity‘, I might have found a way forward on this challenge.
Over a period of time, we tend to become the character we live routinely. To elaborate, if I can be generous over a longer timeframe and give others the benefit of doubt, something in my character will prevent (others’) misuse of this. It is by no means easy, but I do think this is possible. In my own set of friends, I know at least 4 people to whom I cannot be non-generous, and it is because of their actions in the past. Yes, there might be those with malice, there might be those who take advantage, but over time, they will be weeded out.
The funny thing is, all of this is not about global harmony, or even being a nice person. It is very selfishly about my own happiness and comfort! 🙂
