A few months ago, when I wrote Hope Trope during what on hindsight seems like a particularly low phase of my mind’s wax and wane cycles, a relative wrote to me. She said the post almost made her cry, and as a person who has been reading my posts for a while, she felt that my tone was increasingly becoming personal and despondent. The first description was right, and I was conscious of it. The second I attributed to the struggle – when creating one’s own worldview and life that treads outside of the accepted standards, in things as diverse as work, progeny (or the lack of it) and faith. Teething troubles of a stoic outlook. (which I still strive for)
I now realise that maybe she saw something I couldn’t because despite the best efforts, it is very difficult to remain objective about one’s own feelings. I cannot remember when I began to spend an inordinate amount of time on introspection. From experience, it is a double edged sword, it’s great to be conscious of one’s actions and words, but horrible when one judges the self as ruthlessly as I do, especially if the past gets dredged up. The amazing Book of Life has an excellent read on the subject using the folk tale of Androcles & the Lion as an allegory. I think I made all the mistakes the article points out – a wrong diagnosis, numbing the pain, and to a certain extent, applying the wrong medicine.
Collectively, the result was something that’s well represented by this wonderful work I came across – The Heart & the Bottle. The tl;dr version is below. (thanks @JoyAndLife)
For instance, to deal with setbacks, I had withdrawn more into myself – an introversion hardened more so by years of expectations and experiences. My school friends who have interacted with me recently can vouch for that! The version of me they have known is now only manifest with a handful of (more recent) friends, who persistently pull me out of myself, and in whose presence I can be comfortable, without fear of judgment – of myself, or others. (this is why) Unfortunately this is taken as a sign of being snooty, and tends to make things worse. This in turn affects other attitudes. For example, I remember S once telling me that my gift was my childlike curiosity, and that I should never let it go. Somewhere in the recent past, it was replaced by its more adult “scientific” version, because the former is quite dependent on sharing thoughts and ideas. When that does not happen, it just isn’t as much fun, and makes the world seem a darker place than it is.
In essence, a favourite song sums it all up!
But in the last few days, a series of messages, delivered unintentionally by different people, made me relook this entire premise. The principles of Stoicism haven’t changed, but the application needs to be metered and more thought through. Thus now, I walk between the raindrops, and smile when the odd drop manages to fall on me, for the clouds have parted and I can see the sliver of a rising sun. I am moving on, but will continue to write the good fight!
P.S. Thanks Naina, for writing this in your inimitable style, and giving me a push from far away! 🙂
P.P.S. The Book of Life has some excellent perspectives on the subject in The Pursuit of Calm